Tresses in Distress

What We Do

Every day, more and more men and women around the world are diagnosed with Trichological Entwinement Syndrome, more commonly known as“sex hair.”Untreated, this affliciton can lead to public ridicule, loss of employment, and estrangement from loved ones, turning the afflicted into an island of self-deploring misery.

But sex hair is treatable. With your help.

Tresses in Distress is a 503(c) organization dedicated to supplying the materials and services needed to remedy the sex hair epidemic. A coalition of doctors, hair care professionals, and thousands of concerned volunteers, Tresses is counting on your donations of time and money to reverse this startling trend that can affect your friends, your family, and you.

Historically, treatments for sex hair caused mild to moderate discomfort, but no longer.

Monkeys

142 of 200 detangling specialists

Conditioner

15,300 of 50,000 gallons

Our Progress

Our Fall 2012/Winter 2013 fundraising campaign is well underway, and we're coming close to reaching our goals for the holiday season, but we still need your help! Remember that this is an especially important time of the year, a time when record numbers are regularly set by:

Climbers lost in the wild who need to fuck for warmth
Family members trying to hide from in-laws in the privacy of a bed
Participants in pre-Christian orgiastic solstice rites

Recent Accomplishments

Partnered with Locks of Love to make sure that disadvantaged children don't end up with sex hair.
Trained a pack of rabid monkeys, saving them from being euthanised; they're now at work in our trial prison program.
Funded advances in recycling expired lubricant as a hair conditioner.
…and so much more!

How You Can Help

To be a member of the vanguard against this debilitating condition, there are two ways that you can contribute: make a financial donation or become a volunteer.

Donate

It’s a sad fact: saving the world isn’t free. While corporate sponsors like Garnier, TRESemme, and Pantene have agreed to offer us their products at cost, we still need every dollar available to put conditioner in the hands of those in need, especially low-income victims who have no alternatives.

Additionally, due to increased vigilance in the customs departments of several African airports, we are now required to purchase the members of our simian detangling task force, and monkeys do not come cheap. But can you really put a price tag on the peace of mind that comes with peace of head? The answer is yes, and that’s why we need your monetary contributions today.

Volunteer

Tresses would be nothing without the help of its volunteers. Whether your skills are in public relations or private relations, Tresses has a demand for your abilities. Don’t think you have anything to contribute? Tresses provides free training through courses such as as “Monkey Hygiene Engineering,” “Advanced Primate Cuisine: Theory and Practice,” and “Basic Ape Psychology: Getting Along with Our New Masters,” endowing volunteers with knowledge and skills that can be invaluable in today’s competitive job market.

While most of our positions are currently filled, we do always need volunteers for studies to test the efficacy of our treatment methods. We cannot stress this clearly enough: volunteers will be given sex hair; this may or may not (but probably will) require participation of a sexually active variety.

If you’re brave and selfless enough to participate in our studies, please submit your name and email address below, and one of our representatives will be in touch.